Finally, Alfa Romeo decided to show us their package and I was pleasantly surprised, their package made mine a little stiff and there ain't nothing wrong with that. Those wheel covers are a thing of beauty and finally it looks like a team has done something with them, because all the other teams have opted to go for the very boring simple one colour option, not Alfa Romeo though. So, we're not here to fuck spiders, so let's get on with this fucking thing. It's time to sit back, relax and get ready as we go from worst to first with the 2022 F1 Liveries. This list is final, if you don't agree with me, you are wrong, not me, you must apologise for your stupidity.
10 - Haas
Look, Haas can't catch a fucking brake, The US/Russian team gave us the boring same copy and paste job from last year, and with the Russian flag plastered along the side of it. It wasn't long either before they needed to remove the Uralkali sponsorship and the Russian flag resemblance as World War 3 broke out over the last few days.
So right now, what do we grade them on, an all white plan livery, hardly any sponsors, I mean the last time that happened Brawn GP went on and won the whole fucking championship, are Haas the next Brawn? God no, but it's fun to pretend.
9 - Alpha Tauri
Classic case of grab the Uno Reverse card and slam that down, that's literally all they did. Sticking with the iconic... I guess, Navy and white, they have essentially just inverted their colours from last season.
Nothing to report, I don't mind it, I thought it was a nice clean look, but I don't get their colour scheme, when you know Williams, Alpine and Red Bull are going to go blue, why not mix it up, go something completely different, really think outside the box and go bright Yellow, or Brown or Black as there aren't any teams doing that. It was a bit meh, but it was what it was. Better than Haas, worst than the rest.
8 - Mercedes
The car itself doesn't necessarily look bad and the Silver machine was their car colours only going back a couple of seasons, but there was something about the black the last couple of years that really looked good. It was imposing and with them absolutely dominating the sport winning the last 8 constructors titles, why not be that colour that strikes fear into your opponent, be the evil Empire, be the dark side, they were the cool guys anyway.
It looks clean, they've gone for a half black half silver vibe, mainly silver on top though, and the traditional 1 billion Mercedes logo's on the back so no one will ever confuse what fucking car it is.
7 - Williams
Williams went back to the solid Royal Blue colour rather than their gradient effect one from last season. I'm one of the few people that probably prefer last years livery over this one. I don't think this one is bad by any means. But it seems a bit, blah, it seems like a kid designed it in a grade 4 art class, where they drop solid colours into areas and watch the whole thing fill up.
I don't know, it's just not my cup of tea. It looks alright and the more I'm staring at it right now, the more I'm not liking it, If I hadn't already done the list, I'd move it below Mercedes. But alas, it remains here.
6 - Alpine (The Blue One)
Now this thing is fucking sex on wheels, I'm barring up just looking at it right now. The reason it's this low is because of that monster of a thing they've released for the first two races. Look, I have no issue with the colour pink, I quite like it and the way it works with the blue on this car, it looks immaculate. But that all pink looking monstrosity was horrible, I can't get over it. I understand that BWT want their colour and logo the way they do, after all they paid millions and millions to get on the car in the first place, so the livery designer is limited to what they can do. Same goes with Mapfre, but at the end of the day, this thing looks gorgeous.
I wouldn't introduce this thing to my parents, but I'd sure do some over the pants stuff with it in the back seat behind a McDonalds, that's for sure.
5 - Red Bull
We knew what we were getting with the Red Bull Livery, but still, I'm surprised by it, I think it looks so clean, so crisp. The balance of the Red, Blue and Yellow works really well, I think it's still striking and not going to be confused with the same old boring 2021 livery. It's going to look good battling the Mercedes up front and so different from the McLaren, Alpine, Ferrari and Aston Martin that if a scrap happened with them it would be a pleasant visual.
Simple, sleek, gorgeous, reliable, a real goer, good with her mouth, words I used to describe your mother and this car, also that side pod we got a look at over testing weekend, my plums are now the size of watermelons, I'm that fucking randy over it all.
4 - Alfa Romeo
The wait was worth it, it's so clean and gorgeous, the wheel covers alone give it some extra sex appeal, but it's the little things that do it for me with this thing. The wings being black, amazing, if they went with a red or white design on the whites I believe that would've ruined it. And of course you can't see it here, but on the rear wing from the back they have the Italian flag colours, that just look great.
I describe this one as the slut from high school, you're not going to officially date her, but she's the type that will show you a thing or two and those things are her breasticles. This thing is simply gorgeous. I love this car so much, but I hate the say it, it still isn't cracking my top three so doesn't that say something about how good the cars are looking this season.
3 - McLaren
Look, there is a good chance I've grabbed the wrong image from the McLaren car livery launch for their 2022 season. They released the liveries for all their cars in all their racing formats. So I may have grabbed the wrong one, but this thing looks amazing. The Gulf livery was universally loved so why not bring back a little bit of that light clue. It works so well against the black and the orange, despite being so subtle, it packs a huge punch.
I'd love to start seeing this car feature on the podium a few more times, or towards the pointy end of the grid at least, because seeing this thing in wheel to wheel battle with the other cars would be a thing of beauty.
2 - Aston Martin
The livery itself is amazing, the British Racing green is better this season than last, they went a little darker, the colour it should've been in the first place. But what really makes it pop is that lime green stripe along the side and down the middle. Just the way the car looks makes it feel like it's moving when it's completely stationary. This car is the Pamela Anderson in 2022, like she's not bad, she has some curves in the right spot and some curves probably not in the right spot. We'd all like to have a crack, but reliability is always going to be an issue.
It's stunning, and I cannot wait to see this car on the track, it's just unfortunate that it's going to be towards the back of the grid as per my pre season predictions, but it's going to look amazing next to the Alfa Romeo and the Haas.
1 - Ferrari
I'm afraid to type as I fear half the keys will stick down, because I've had a little accident looking at this car. It's gorgeous, I've just gone from 6 to midnight and can barely control myself. Everything about this car just looks and feels right, the richer reds, the black wings, front and rear and not to mention the two bath tub side pods.
Don't change a god damn thing Ferrari, I love that you got rid of the spew green on the top of the car and have replaced with the 75, as you're celebrating 75 years in F1 or something like that. You can't sandbag or name a car to save your fucking lives, but my god have you created something gorgeous. If Brad Pitt and Hugh Jackman created a child it would be as gorgeous as this thing, and I'd proudly come out of the closet for this car.
In summary, I have to say that the cars are getting better and better each and every year, and my god, other than the Haas, I don't mind any of the cars. They all look spectacular, and I can't wait to get racing, this is our Miss America, we've just seen the swimsuit section and the season it see if they have any talent and can answer some political questions that they have no business answering the first place, just let these gorgeous beasts smile and look pretty.
Let me know what you think, did I get it right? If not, who are you putting in at number 1? Let me know on the socials, @parcitinmyferme on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.